How to set and maintain boundaries at work

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
– Prentis Hemphill

Boundaries are a hot topic. Why? My sense is it’s because it’s an area where most of us instinctively know we need better boundaries but aren’t sure how to define them, set them or uphold them.

Or we know exactly what we need to do, but are paralysed by the fear of setting a boundary and then being judged as selfish or unlikeable. We don’t want to offend others or create conflict.

But what’s the consequence of not setting boundaries? A lifetime of resentment, envy and self-betrayal? Mmmm, no thanks. We can do better. Let’s dig in.

What are boundaries, and why do they matter?

Sometimes when we think of boundaries, the first place we go is to other people. I find it more useful to think of boundaries as a commitment to ourselves, an act of self-love and self-respect. It’s how we stay in our integrity and true to our values.

If we violate a boundary, we betray ourselves. I’ve found this a useful reframe:

‘What needs to happen so I don’t betray myself?’

That’s become a useful touchstone to help make decisions.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown says:

“Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with somebody unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.”

How do we know if a boundary has been crossed?

Resentment is often a signal that we have not maintained a boundary.

In her work, Dr Brené Brown talks about doing work for free because someone asked her to, but then feeling resentment about giving her time in that way. And having to share a room with another speaker to keep costs down.

A boundary has been crossed if we say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’ or if we don’t ask for what we need, like being paid appropriately for our work or the privacy of our own room on a work trip.

When we find we aren’t living according to our boundaries, there are several possible barriers to examine.

Perfectionism
Grief
Fear
Self-judgment

But the choice is clear. Set boundaries or be prepared to live in resentment and frustration.

How can we identify our boundaries?

The work of boundaries involves moving from acting out of self-protection to acting from inner authority.

As part of the process of creating inner authority, Dr Rebecca Ray recommends identifying your values and creating your own Bill of Personal Rights (Setting Boundaries, p.85).

This can include statements like:

I have the right to ask for what I want and need
I have the right to say no.
I have the right to decide what is authentically right for me.
I have the right to personal space.
I have the right to forgive myself.
I have the right to practice self-care.
I have the right to own my lived experience.
I have the right to not be productive.
I have the right to have my gender identity respected.

What might your own Bill of Personal Rights include?

Why do we struggle to impose boundaries?

We struggle to set and hold boundaries if we feel our identity is built on being likeable, easy, fun and flexible. In order to maintain that identity, we betray our own needs.

In a desire to make things ‘easy’ we may agree to things that don’t feel good for us. A clear signal we’ve betrayed our boundaries is the feeling of resentment.

Compassionate people ask for what they need. Their boundaries keep them out of resentment.

Dr Brené Brown explores this aspect in the glossary of Dare to Lead™:

‘When we asked people why they hesitate to set boundaries, the number one answer that emerged from the research was, “I don’t want to make people mad, disappoint others, or make them stop liking me.”
The number two reason was related to the first, “I don’t know how to set boundaries without sounding selfish or unlikeable.”
What’s really interesting is that when we asked the same participants to describe or explain the consequence of not setting boundaries, the overwhelming response was resentment. Followed by anger. Followed by frustration.
These emotions eat away at our individual and collective confidence and trust. They lead to people talking behind each other’s backs and to blame. This is why daring leaders set, hold, and respect boundaries. Even when it’s hard.
We often feel like we need to apologise or justify when setting a boundary. We don’t. And, likewise, it’s not your team’s job to make you feel better or more comfortable setting a boundary. Just be clear, respectful, and open for questions. Most of the time, people will be thankful for the clarity and appreciate the rarity of seeing someone ask for what they need rather than be passive-aggressive or pissed off.’

How can you maintain boundaries?

Boundaries can sound like this:

‘I know this is a tough conversation. Being angry is okay. Yelling is not okay.’
‘I know we’re tired and stressed. This has been a long meeting. Being frustrated is okay. Interrupting people and rolling your eyes is not okay.’
‘I appreciate the passion around these different opinions and ideas. The emotion is okay. Passive-aggressive comments and put-downs are not okay.’

(Dare To Lead™, pg. 68)

Dr Rebecca Ray shares this format for communicating boundaries. (Setting Boundaries, p.267).

If you… Describe the behaviour (without judging or labelling the person) that is unacceptable.

I will… Describe the actions you will take to protect and look after yourself if the boundary is crossed.

If it continues… Describe the consequences you will reinforce if the situation escalates or the boundary continues to be crossed.

For example:

“If you write emails or speak to staff using derogatory or offensive language…”

“…I will directly address the issue with you and request respectful communication.”

“…If the behaviour happens again, I will involve our supervisor or HR department and document the incidents for further action.”

Boundaries are the foundation of the BRAVING Inventory

The BRAVING Inventory is a rumble tool.

It’s something we can use as a guide when working with colleagues. It walks us through the conversations from a place of curiosity, learning, and, ultimately, trust-building.

It’s also a tool we can use as individuals to explore how we managed our own behaviour and choices.

Think about a recent time at work when you experienced a setback. Consider the self-trust prompts below and spend a few minutes reflective journaling on your answers:

Boundaries: Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what was okay and what was not okay?

Reliability: Was I reliable? Can I count on myself to do what I committed to doing?

Accountability: Did I hold myself accountable? Did I blame others? Did I hold others accountable with honesty and respect?

Vault: Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?

Integrity: Did I act from my integrity? Did I choose courage over comfort? Did I choose what’s right over what’s fun, fast and easy? Did I practise my values?

Non-judgement: Did I ask for what I needed? Was I non-judgemental about needing help?

Generosity: Was I generous towards myself? Did I have self-compassion? Did I talk to myself with kindness and respect and like someone I love?

Carving out a few minutes of your time to consciously reflect on your insights increases your self-awareness and self-trust. It’s how we expand our capacity for daring leadership.

Living BIG

Brené Brown has another useful acronym, BIG. BIG stands for Boundaries, Integrity and Generosity.

Living BIG is about saying, “Yes, I am going to be generous in my assumptions and intentions while standing in my integrity and being very clear about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable”.

Dealing with the emotions that come up when we uphold boundaries

Inevitably when working in the territory of boundaries, we will meet with a range of emotions that arise. For maintaining boundaries, Dr Rebecca Ray offers these pointers, understanding we won’t get it right all the time.

Lead with self-acceptance
Lead with empathy
Lead with acknowledgement of your efforts
Lead with being good enough

(p232-233 Setting Boundaries)

Boundaries in the Workplace

Each workplace is different. It’s a valuable exercise to gather your team to explore and establish your values and boundaries.

The time you invest in this work will pay dividends further down the road.

:: Invite your team to a daring leadership session to explore trust.

Once gathered, use post-it notes (if in person) or a virtual collaboration space (like Miro) and invite participants to answer the questions:

What behaviours cultivate trust in our team?
What behaviours corrode trust in our team?

:: Together watch or listen to Brené talking about The Anatomy of Trust.

:: Share the BRAVING framework (download it here).

:: Next, compare what’s on the framework to the answers for question one. Notice what is the same and what was missed compared to Brené’s BRAVING framework.

:: Discuss what strengths do we have as a team and want to continue to keep doing.

:: Then discuss, what is one behaviour we commit to changing from question two.

The intention behind this exercise is to create the time and space to talk about trust in a way that’s productive and actionable. This is how we deliberately tend to team culture. It’s the work of daring leadership

If you’d like help implementing this in your workplace email.

How to set and maintain boundaries at work

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

What are boundaries, and why do they matter?