Can you recall the last time you lost your temper, said something hurtful, made a mistake, got hijacked by bias, acted on a wrong assumption, got consumed by judgment or caused harm or upset? We’ve all done it.
Yelled at the kids while we were trying to get dinner on the table.
Assumed our loved ones have read our minds.
Called someone a belittling name.
Diminished someone’s feelings.
Forgot something important.
Took someone for granted.
Missed a deadline.
Made a bad call.
Every meaningful relationship we have will experience a rupture. As imperfect beings, even with our best intentions, we will evitably feel the sting and shame of causing a relational fracture.
The problem is not that will disappoint and hurt each other. The problem is not knowing how to genuinely repair a rupture.
From Rupture to Repair
Enter clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy. Last month TED published her talk on the single most important parenting strategy (which applies to any meaningful relationship) – repair.
When we cause a rupture, do we just move on and pretend nothing happened? Do we dig our heels in even further? Do we get consumed by self-loathing? Do we avoid or end the relationship altogether?
Daring leaders get good at repair. They learn to write a better story.
“So what is repair? Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection. Taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another. And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down — “Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” — a good repair opens one up.” – Becky Kennedy
What Does Repair Involve?
- Repair with yourself. You can’t offer compassion or understanding to someone else before you access those qualities within yourself. Self-repair means separating your behaviour, what you did, from your identity, who you are (I did something bad vs I am bad). In doing so we can acknowledge that two things can be true at the same time – ‘I’m not proud of my latest behaviour AND my latest behaviour doesn’t define me’. This gets us out of the shame spiral into groundedness where we can take accountability and stay open to what we might do differently in the future.
- Repair with others. Name what happened, take responsibility, and state what you would do differently next time.
Role modelling taking responsibility for our behaviours sets the stage for critical relationship patterns. It helps us remember that we are the authors of our lives, that we are capable of growth and change and that we can forge a better future.
Leave A Comment