Do you have these emotional skills?

What drives the culture of a team, an office, or an organisation? What about the dynamics of a relationship or a family? Or what about the way we make personal plans, priorities and decisions?

Our lives are lived in the emotional responses we have to the stories we tell ourselves. And yet we don’t really spend much time reality-checking those stories or understanding the emotions embedded in them.

Mostly, because we haven’t been taught why it’s important to do that (our stories aren’t always accurate), or how to do it (mindfulness + curiosity + self-compassion).

Deliberately tending to fears and feelings

One of the biggest barriers to courage in organisations is not tending to fears and feelings. When we buy into the myth that ‘we need to take the emotion out’ of a discussion or challenge, those emotions don’t go away but instead come out sideways somewhere else.

As leaders, we need to acknowledge emotion and learn to navigate through it in a way that keeps us aligned with our values and purpose. As Susan David writes in Emotional Agility:

Emotions are data, not directives.

Psychologically safe teams normalise hard emotions

Psychologically safe teams are higher performing teams because they acknowledge what gets in the way of contribution and collaboration. They normalise the hard emotions that can arise when we don’t know something, when change is afoot and when those in power need to be challenged.

I had a great example last week of a Daring Leader who deliberately tended to the fears and feelings of a big meeting she was chairing with multiple stakeholders. This wasn’t her first rodeo and she knew it would be a challenging gathering with diverse points of view. So this is what she tried based on what she’d learned in our workshops:

An opening statement of intent about her vision for the meeting and the part each person played (set the stage);
Reassured participants that everyone would have an opportunity to contribute and be heard (instil confidence that voice is welcome);
Normalised that we all need to check our assumptions and stories with curiosity (demonstrate humility);
Invited respectful challenging as an important tool to get the best outcome (practice proactive inquiry); and
Acknowledged that they were going to ‘rumble’ with difficult topics in service of the work and each other and not their egos (emphasise purpose).

She was surprised with how well the meeting went – she didn’t think it was possible to reach the outcome they did. She noticed that participants who were usually reactionary were calmer, and overall there was less anxiety in the room.

By tending to the fear of not being heard and normalising rumbling with different points of view she invited candour into the room. By reminding participants of each part they played in the experience of the group, she invited connection, care and collaboration.