A key tenet of great leadership is the capacity to show up and navigate difficult conversations. In Dare to Lead™, we call this about the ability to rumble:

“A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.

It’s an intention setter and a behavioral cue or reminder. More than anything else, when someone says, “Let’s rumble,” it cues me to show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos.”

– Brené Brown, Dare to Lead™

Rumbling sounds like a great idea, but it requires commitment, curiosity, language and tools to do well. In another article, I cover rumble starters – which are questions to help us open up, and stay in conversation with curiosity rather than judgment. In this article, I’m going to walk through rumble tools, presented in Brené Brown’s  Dare to Lead™ framework. (You can download the original definitions of these tools from the Dare to Lead™ hub here.)

 

Mindful Check In – Cultivating Curiosity

Before you practice these tools, it’s important to dig deep into your own curiosity. These rumble tools are a reminder to approach conversations with genuine interest, rather than just going through the motions. It is easy for your team members to detect cynicism, judgment or disingenuity even when the ‘right words’ are being said.

One of the biggest lifts I’ve observed in leaders is moving from ‘being the knower’ to being a lifelong, curious learner – to step out of ‘having to have the answers and being right’ to ‘I’m here to listen and get it right.‘

A lack of curiosity can lead to poor outcomes – assumptions get made, people shut down, and root causes remain hidden. Curiosity means focusing on the nature of the problem before even considering a solution. Curiosity and knowledge-building grow together – the more we know, the more we want to know.

It’s vulnerable and uncomfortable to be curious – to sit in unknowing and uncertainty when we are so primed to get to certainty and safety as quickly as we can. It’s courageous to be curious – to sit in humility rather than be led by ego. One of my favourite sayings offered to me by a wise leader is:

“Get curious, before you get furious.”

So before you engage in a rumble and pick up a rumble tool, consider how much you don’t know that is held in other people’s minds. And how much you appreciate the opportunity to be heard and understood, and make a conscious choice to provide that opportunity to the people you lead.

 

1.What’s my part? or Owning my part

  • Examining and owning your part should be an aspect of every rumble.
  • If you’re not asking yourself this question and identifying how you participated in the instigation of an issue or problem, then you’re not rumbling or being brave in conversations or with yourself.
  • While many of us struggle with taking too much ownership over things that are not ours to take (or our problems to solve), if you are being brave at work, there is a part with your name on it.
  • Sometimes your part might be as simple as not speaking up or staying curious; other times it might be a bigger cave to enter, like a tendency to shame or blame, a lack of accountability, an inability to hold information confidentially, or projecting perfectionism.

 

2. What does support from me look like? / What does support look like?

  • Asking this question is a tool for clarifying roles and expectations, and it helps set the stage for success.
  • People can become resentful when they feel like they aren’t getting the support they need. But at the same time, they often don’t ask for support.
  • Asking this question up front can help prevent resentment and also can get people to think about what type of support would be helpful – it holds them accountable for asking for what they need. It can also be important to clarify the behaviours that aren’t considered helpful in a specific situation.
  • The most useful answers to this question are specific and behavioural.
  • This question is more authentic than saying, “Let me know if there’s something I can do” where the expected answer is usually, “Nothing.” “Nothing” is not one of the available answers to the question, “What does support look like?”.

 

3. What key learnings can we take from this?

  • I often hear people say ‘Never let a good crisis go to waste!’  Your rumble might not be a crisis, but there are very likely key learnings to be extracted, clarified and embedded.
  • When we stand in the middle of an issue and identify the problem and the root cause, we can gather key learning that help us navigate similar problems or issues going forward.

 

4. Is horizon conflict at play?

  • Every person in an organisation focuses on a specific horizon depending on their role. The CEO needs to keep the long-term horizon in mind while also being aware of current affairs, whereas an operations person may need to focus on a short-term project horizon.
  • Horizon conflict arises when these different lenses interfere with planning and decision-making.
  • Surfacing different horizon priorities helps us all navigate the friction that can come from standing in different locations on the landscape.

 

5. What are our gritty faith and gritty facts?

  • The expression ‘gritty faith and gritty facts’ is inspired by the Stockdale Paradox, named after Admiral Jim Stockdale, who spent eight years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. He explained that the optimists, those who believed they’d be released by Christmas, then Easter, etc., were often the ones who didn’t survive. In reflecting on this, Stockdale told Jim Collins, the author of Good to Great,

“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

  • It boils down to the idiom, “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.” Gritty faith and gritty facts acknowledge paradox – dreaming big AND reality-checking with cold, hard facts.

 

6. TASC (The Accountability and Success Checklist)

Along with the 5Cs of let’s paint done, the TASC checklist, is a tool to help clarify and align on commitment and contribution. It can be used in meetings for delegating work, as a premortem tool to set up for success, or a postmortem tool for discovery.

  1. T — Who owns the task?
  2. A — Do they have the authority to be held accountable?
  3. S — Do we agree that they are set up for success (time, resources, clarity)?
  4. C — Do we have a checklist of what needs to happen to accomplish the task?

 

7. Let’s Paint done – The 5Cs of delegation, decision making and strategic thinking

  • Painting done means not just assigning a task, but exploring and explaining the reason in a way that helps uncover stealth expectations and stealth intentions, cultivates commitment and contribution, and facilitates growth and learning.
  • Painting done is a conversation that explores the context, colour, connective tissue, cost and consequence of a task, decision or strategy.
  • I explain it more fully in this article: A Communication Tool for Every Team: The 5Cs of Let’s Paint Done 

 

8. Square Squad

  • Your square squad is a very short list of people whose opinions really matter to you (not who you think ‘should’ matter to you).
  • These are the people who care enough about you to be honest, rather than telling you what you want to hear (they’re not the ‘suck up’ squad). They should not be people who just blindly agree with you no matter what.
  • People on your list care and support you not despite your vulnerability and imperfections, but because of them.
  • They will point out when you are out of your integrity or when you have messed up, and they will support you to fix things. They genuinely care about you, without any hidden agendas, motivations or reciprocation.
  • To get clear about who belongs on your square squad:
    • Use a 1-inch x 1-inch/2cm x 2cm piece of paper
    • Write down the names/initials of the people in your life whose opinions really matter. The paper is small because it forces you to narrow the list to only those people who have earned the right to an opinion.
  • Don’t listen to criticism from people who aren’t on your square squad. It is hurtful and unproductive.

 

9. Stealth Expectations

  • Stealth expectations are desires or expectations that exist outside our awareness and typically include a dangerous combination of fear and magical thinking, which almost always leads to disappointment, resentment, and (more) fear.
  • As author Anne Lamott observes: “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”
  • Look for stealth expectations in yourself and others. They fly under the radar and only surface after they have created disaster for individuals or teams.
  • Normalise reality-checking of expectations, and their underlying explanations, with your team and colleagues. OK, everyone. Do we think there are any stealth expectations we need to put on the table? Are we holding any expectations that we haven’t surfaced? What are they? Am I holding any expectations that I will feel resentful of or frustrated by, if they don’t happen?

 

10. Stealth Intentions

  • A self-protective motivation that lurks beneath the surface and can drive us to behave outside our values.
  • An example of a stealth intention is thinking, “If I keep quiet, I can protect myself from rejection, shame, judgment, and people turning away from me and thinking I’m an idiot.”
  • Be vigilant for stealth intentions in yourself and others. Normalise reality-checking your intentions with your team and with your colleagues by making it a practice. Intentions are powerful and can set things in motion that are almost impossible to reverse. Set the rule that intentions for projects, strategies, and even meetings must be named, agreed upon, and documented in meeting minutes.

 

11. Turn & Learn

  • The Turn & Learn is a terrific team meeting tool that allows everyone to share input simultaneously, without being influenced by others’ opinions or answers. It is powerful for ensuring everyone’s voice is included, and the diversity of thought is explored – everyone’s input matters.
  • Here’s how it works.
    • A question is asked. For example: ‘When do we think we can launch this?’
    • No one speaks. Everyone writes down their input on a Post-it note (or types in the chat box if virtual, but doesn’t hit send yet).
    • Once everyone has written an answer, count to three, and everyone reveals their answers/hits send at the same time.
    • Everyone’s answers are explored to get to an outcome. ‘Walk me through the reason for your answer.’, ‘What are you seeing/anticipating that leads you to that answer?’
  • Using this strategy protects against the authority bias (being overly influenced by the person with the most influence) and the bandwagon effect (going along with the consensus, even when you disagree).

 

12. Time-out

  • Sometimes in the middle of a difficult conversation, you find yourself feeling defensive or needing time to think. It can be helpful to request a time-out with a circle back (see below) in a specific period of time. This signals that you’re considering the conversation carefully rather than rushing to placate or dismiss what’s being said. “I think I need a time out. Can we circle back and finish up this conversation in a couple of hours?” or “Can we break for ten minutes – I need to go for a walk outside and catch my breath.”
  • Everyone on the team should be empowered to call a time-out.

 

13. Circle back

  • While not strictly a rumble tool per se, I’ve included the concept of ‘circling back’ here, as a way to revisit a conversation or interaction after we’ve had time to fully process. “I need to think about this. Can we circle back in an hour?”
  • We may need to circle back if we need more information or clarification. “Can we circle back on the decision to move the project date? I’ve got some questions.”
  • We might want to circle back to make amends for something we did or for not fully listening. “I don’t like how I showed up in that meeting. Can we circle back?”

 

For Rumble Starters, check out: Learning how to say hard things: Rumbling with an open heart and mind